The Time Travel Fiasco
by SpirkTrekker42
Summary: Kirk is taking Spock to a 21st century version of a Renaissance Fair for Valentine’s Day. However, he didn’t expect them land in jail just after they arrived. Will they still find a way to make V-Day special? K/S SLASH! Warning: crazy homophobic priest!


Disclaimer: The rights to Star Trek belong to Gene Roddenberry, and NuTrek belongs to J.J. Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman.

A/N: Written for the ksvalentine com. I've been on a humor kick as of late – I tried to make this serious but it just didn't work. The sarcasm just ran away with me! Oh well. Points if you get the Big Bang Theory reference!

.~.

_The Time Travel Fiasco_

Thirty-two year old James T. Kirk remembered the last Valentine's day that fell on shore leave. He'd allowed Spock to plan everything, which had been a mistake as they spent most of the day browsing several museums. Not that Kirk didn't enjoy learning about new things, it was just that he and Spock had so few shore leaves together. He wanted to celebrate their love, and visiting a museum was not what he considered to be a romantic activity.

Jim had packed everything he needed for a romantic getaway weekend with his bondmate. Now all he had to do was check in with his t'hy'la. Hopefully Spock wasn't in the middle of a spur of the moment science project. The science department seemed to spring those on the Vulcan right when Jim wanted to have alone time with him.

//You are exaggerating, Jim.// Jim gave a start. Surely Spock hadn't been eavesdropping?

//Who gave you permission to spy on my thoughts, huh?// Jim tried to sound indignant but failed miserably.

//You did.// Spock answered. They shared a mutual wave of affection through the bond.

//Oh.// Jim grinned at the little joke. //Well alright, then. Spy away.//

//Jim, Was there something you needed?// That was his t'hy'la – perceptive as ever.

//Has Scotty reported for duty?// Jim asked.

//He is on his way. I estimate that he will arrive on the bridge in 2.5 minutes.//

//Excellent!// Jim happily exclaimed. //See you on the transporter in five!// Spock's gentle reply warmed his heart.

//I will be there, Jim.// Kirk shielded his thoughts once more and sealed his quarters.

With a bounce in his step, Jim strolled down the corridor towards the turbolift. This Valentine's day was going to be different. All he'd told Spock was they were being beamed to a secret location. His First was not terribly fond of surprises, but he relented when he recalled their last Valentine fiasco. Besides, Spock trusted Jim. The captain was forever grateful for this, and strove to never break that trust.

Jim wanted to give Spock the best Valentine's day ever, but also include an activity that the Vulcan would enjoy. Therefore, after much consideration and a suggestion from Bones, he decided to take his bondmate to a Retro Fair. They were much like the Renaissance Fairs of old, only the setting was small town America in the early 21st century, and not England in the Elizabethan Era. While Jim knew Spock would find attending a Retro Fair to be an illogical exercise, he knew Spock would have a field day walking around and pointing out the historical inaccuracies. He was secretly convinced that nothing gave Spock more pleasure than proving people wrong. Jim in turn was always amused to watch his Vulcan interact with people, showing them how they epically failed at life. The more Jim laughed at Spock's behavior, the more Spock nitpicked. It was a cycle that often got them kicked out of lesser establishments, like that one bar on Antares…

Jim arrived at the turbolift and took it down to the transporter.

"Afternoon, Ensign…" Kirk was at a loss. He knew the man had just transferred to his ship a couple days ago, that he enjoyed playing poker, and that he had two last names. If only he could just remember them! Luckily, the young man saved him the embarrassment.

"Ensign Nelvana-Ellipse, sir."

"Wow, that's a mouthful," Jim chuckled. "Will you be the one beaming myself and Commander Spock to our destination?"

"Aye, sir." Jim nodded, absently staring off into space as he waited for Spock to arrive. He'd planned the perfect weekend, and he couldn't wait to get started! First, they would check in at the hotel, where Jim had reserved the honeymoon suite for them. Next, he had reservations at a high-class restaurant which featured plenty of vegetarian options for Spock. After they ate, they could spend the rest of the day browsing the Retro Fair, attending the shows, and perusing the antique merchandise. Perhaps he could even find a few more hardback books for his collection before they returned to the room to make good use of the Jacuzzi and…

"I apologize for my lateness, Captain."

There was Spock, standing expectantly before him. Jim's heart lurched at the sight of his bondmate. He wanted to hug him, but he refrained from PDA in front of the ensign. But the Vulcan sure tested his willpower sometimes. Good lord, he was gorgeous – and that was just on the outside! Jim was grateful that he was the one to have 24/7 access to his Vulcan's beautiful mind. Speaking of minds, he was going to insist on a meld tonight, in honor of the holiday, of course.

"You're only two minutes late, Mr. Spock. I'll let it slide this time," Jim said seriously, hoping to intimidate the ensign, who more than likely hadn't learned how relaxed things were on the _Enterprise_.

"I appreciate your leniency, Captain," said Spock, playing his part perfectly as he stepped onto the pad beside Jim.

"Energize," Kirk commanded, and they began to dematerialize into tiny flecks of swirling light.

.~.

"Here we are!" Jim announced. Spock quirked an eyebrow.

"Where is here, precisely? You have been quite tight-lipped as to the location of our destination."

"You could've just picked it from my brain," Jim pointed out.

"I would not invade your private thoughts without your permission." Spock sounded affronted.

"I know," Jim said softly. He looked around, seeing only the lights of the fair in the distance. They were relatively alone. So he rested his forehead against Spock's and closed his eyes, thankful for even just a moment's peace with his bondmate.

"Jim, I appreciate your gesture of kindness, no matter where or what our destination."

"I'll give you a hint, it's much more fun than a museum," Jim said with a laugh, before brushing his fingers over Spock's. His Vulcan returned the gentle kiss.

"Perhaps I could persuade you?" Spock whispered in his captain's ear. But to his dismay, Jim pulled back.

"Oh no you don't," he laughed. "I have a full day planned out for us, and there isn't going to be any funny business until tonight. It's the least I can do after what you put me through last time with the museum."

"Very well," Spock relented. Jim handed his Vulcan a black fedora.

"You might want to wear a hat – I don't want you to stick out."

"Most curious," his Vulcan commented, but the hat on anyway. Jim thought he looked positively adorable. Spock did not agree.

//That is not the adjective I would use to describe-//

//Too bad.// Jim smugly interrupted. //You're adorable, and you know it!//

In protest, Spock walked exactly three paces away from Jim the rest of the way.

.~.

It wasn't long before they arrived at the hotel. Spock had come around, and side by side, they strolled up to the desk.

"Hi." Jim smiled charmingly at the fellow behind the desk.

"Hello, sir. How can I help you?"

"You don't know who I am?" Jim could tell the clerk had no signs of recognition. Oh well, he was just doing his job. It was kind of nice not being recognized for a change. Leaning casually against the desk, Jim explained.

"The name's Jim Kirk. I reserved the honeymoon suite for me and my bondmate?"

//My bondmate and I.// Spock mentally corrected. Inwardly, Kirk groaned. As much as he loved being bonded to Spock, there were a few unusual drawbacks. Like having a grammar Nazi in his head.

//You shush. When people speak, they say that.// His bondmate shared his skepticism.

//Illogical.//

Rolling his eyes, Jim focused his attention back on the desk attendant.

"What's a bondmate?" The clerk asked, genuinely confused.

"Wow, you're really good about staying in character!" Kirk cheered. "Your reaction was so 21st century!" The man shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Jim gestured between himself and his Vulcan.

"He's with me, we're together." The clerk frowned, suspiciously glancing from Jim to Spock.

"You're close friends?" Kirk rolled his eyes. Did he have to spell it out for the guy?

"By human standards, he's my husband." The clerk took a step back from Jim, as if he had some sort of contagious disease and he didn't want to become infected.

"That's illegal." Kirk laughed. Same sex marriage hadn't been illegal for two hundred years, but then again this was supposed to be the 21st century.

"Spock, is he a great actor or what?" Jim enthused, patting the disturbed attendant on the back. "That's certainly a historically accurate reaction, although it's unfortunate it had to be that way during this time. They have such cool gadgets!" He pointed to the man's antique iphone.

//Jim, I am not entirely certain he is acting.// Spock cautioned. //His reactions seem to be genuine.//

//Of course he's acting. We're on Starbase 7, in the middle of a Retro Fair.// Spock raised an eyebrow.

//So that is the secret destination. Perhaps he is homophobic?//

//In the 23rd century?// Jim scoffed. //Highly unlikely. And especially not to two of Starfleet's finest officers!//

"Sir, I don't know what the hell you're trying to pull, but if you're one of them homos, I'm going to have to ask you to leave or be escorted from this fine establishment." Jim chuckled. This guy didn't know when to quit!

"Uh yeah, seriously though." Jim cleared his throat. "I'd like the room key now. We've had a long day and we'd really like to relax before we hit the fair."

"Security," the clerk barked into his walkie-talkie. "We have a code F-A-G at the front desk. I repeat, we have a code F-A-G." Jim burst out laughing.

"Oh man, this is too hilarious!"

"T'hy'la, I do not believe the man is joking," Spock warned. "Perhaps we should leave."

"Spock, it's just a ruse!" Jim insisted. But when ten police officers stormed into the hotel and formed a circle around them, the young captain realized that Spock was right. Dammit.

"Put your hands where we can see them!" One of the policemen yelled. "And don't try any funny business."

Jim thought about fighting his way out of the circle, but decided to ask his bondmate's opinion first because he was considerate like that.

//I think we can take 'em, Spock!// The Vulcan shook his head.

//No, Jim. I cannot call attention to my superior strength in this time. It would be breaking the-//

//Prime Directive, I know.// Jim mentally grumbled.

"Come with me, you two," the town sheriff ordered, as two police put them in handcuffs.

"Ooh, hand cuffs!" Kirk winked at his Vulcan. "Kinky!" Spock closed his eyes and fervently wished he was someplace else.

"Hey blue eyes!" One of the policemen addressed Jim. "Do us a favor and shut your pie hole!"

//Spock, are you going to let him talk to me that way?// Jim pretended to feel hurt, hoping to get some sympathy from his bondmate.

//At the moment, yes.// No such luck.

"Damn Californian faggots think their marriages are legal in the south," commented another policemen.

"I don't know where you two are from, but we don't allow that sort of behavior in our town." The sheriff glared at Jim. "Perhaps a night in jail might set you straight."

"Good one, sir!" The policemen high-fived him over the pun.

//Jim, it seems we have been transported back to the actual 21st century.// Spock pointed out, much to his bondmate's dismay.

//Really, genius?// Came Kirk's sarcastic reply.

//I am certain we will find a way to return where we belong.// Spock tried to be optimistic, for Jim's sake.

//I'm gonna kill that new ensign.// Kirk mentally growled. //How the hell did he manage to transport us back in time?//

Kirk and Spock continued to banter telepathically as the police dragged them away.

.~.

_County Jail_

"I do not believe spending Valentine's Day in jail is an improvement over the museum," Spock mused, sounding quite smug. Kirk groaned.

"Thanks, Spock. That really helps." After examining the solid bars, he paced back and forth in his cell.

"Being separated from you was not how I envisioned spending today." Jim gazed at his bondmate from across the room. Those bastards hadn't even had the decency to lock them in the same cell! At least they could still touch with their minds…

"I'm sorry, Spock," the captain sighed, rubbing his temples as if he had a headache. "I had this romantic weekend all planned out for us, and it blew up in my face."

"It is not your fault, t'hy'la," the Vulcan reassured him.

"No, I guess not." Kirk bit his lip. Intellectually, he knew that he wasn't to blame for the time-travel mishap, but he still felt guilty.

"Jim, do you have any idea how we are going to return to our own time?" Kirk shook his head.

"I'm a little more concerned about breaking us out of this jail first. We could use our hand phasers, but I'd rather not unless it was absolutely necessary."

They sat in silence for a half hour, until the sheriff returned, this time accompanied by a priest.

"Are you going to let us go?" Jim asked hopefully, as they came in view of his cell.

"We've decided give you the opportunity to leave, should you decide to repent," said the sheriff. The priest gazed on Jim and Spock with pity.

"You can still return to the light!" The priest insisted. "Do you two confess your sins to almighty God?" Jim shook his head in disbelief.

"Since when is love between two consenting adults a sin?" Under his breath, he muttered, "this shit is exactly why your religion pretty much died out."

"But to love a man as one as one loves a woman is an abomination!" The priest whined.

"Leviticus, 18:22." His Vulcan piped up from the opposite side of the room. Kirk smacked his forehead - it figured his bondmate would know that.

"Thanks, Spock. Way to be." The priest turned to Spock in surprise.

"You are familiar with the Bible?"

"Only certain verses," Spock replied. "My mother taught me when I was very young. She praised the stories that taught morals, but insisted that verses such as those were outdated."

"The Bible is timeless," the priest said with much dignity.

"That may be, but I don't know how you can use the Bible to justify your cause," Kirk cut in. "Your guy Jesus hung out with the outcasts of his day, the prostitutes, the whores, the lepers. He was all about treating everyone fairly, especially those whom society deemed as 'different'. He never would've supported this campaign of hate. You guys are a bunch of hypocrites!"

"Indeed," Spock stood up for his bonded. "The Bible states that it is perfectly acceptable to own slaves and for men to rule over their wives, but those practices have since been outlawed on grounds of being outdated, have they not?"

"And Leviticus also says that guys can't have sex with girls who were on their periods," Kirk added. "Can you imagine if that was still enforced today?"

"Most illogical," Spock muttered.

"He does have a point there," one of the policemen pointed out. "My wife and I sure would hate it if-"

"Quiet!" The priest growled. Kirk was still stuck on the period thing.

"Can you imagine if Uhura heard me saying that?" The captain of the _Enterprise_ shuddered. "My balls would be sore for a week!"

Just then, Jim felt the familiar tingle of the transporter.

//Scotty must've found us!// Impulsively, Spock grabbed Jim's hand with his left and gave the Vulcan salute with his right.

"May you all live long and prosper."

"Translation: good riddance!" Jim sang. Then he turned toward his bondmate. "Hey, Spock, do you want to top or bottom when we get back?" The Vulcan considered it. Usually he wouldn't dignify Jim's crude question with an answer, but it would be amusing to see the priest's reaction."

"I believe we can take turns, Jim."

"May God have mercy on your souls!" Cried the priest, making the sign of the cross. Jim burst into laughter as the jail disappeared from sight. He was still chortling when they materialized on the _Enterprise_.

"Are you two alright?" McCoy cried, standing by with a stretcher.

"I'm fine," Kirk laughed.

"Affirmative," Spock answered. "I am pleased to have returned to the 23rd century." Scotty blushed, feeling responsible for the transporter gaffe.

"Sorry about that. The ensign who made the mistake was…" He trailed off, staring at Kirk, who was still chuckling.

""What's so funny, Captain?" Scotty asked, which set off another round of guffaws.

"That priest!" Jim wheezed. "Oh man. If only he could hear how ridiculous his arguments against same-sex sounded."

"You met an early 21st century priest?" Bones gulped. "With SPOCK?" Jim gave his friend a wide grin.

"Yep."

"God help us all," the doctor muttered. "Did he know you two were married?"

"Well, he was summoned to pardon us from jail if we repented for our 'sin'."

McCoy winced. That couldn't have ended well.

"Dammit, Jim! What else happened?"

"I'll tell you everything later, Bones," Jim promised. "Right now me and Spock –" he paused, glancing over at his bondmate, "sorry, _Spock and I_, are going to celebrate Valentine's Day in our quarters ."

"But don't ye want to know how ye got sent back in time?" Scotty cried. "That new ensign was a Klingon in disguise! He had new technology that allowed him to transport someone not only from place to place, but from time to time as well! The bastard put up a good fight but we eventually captured him. The good doctor had to threaten to cut his thing off unless he gave us your coordinates." A smirking Bones held up a power saw to emphasize his point.

"I am quite certain bodily harm to others, even our enemies, is against Starfleet policy, Doctor," said Spock. Bones grinned at the Vulcan.

"Yes, but the Klingon didn't know that."

"Great!" Kirk enthused. "You did what you had to do, Bones. Keep the Klingon in the brig until I can fill out the paper work to have him transferred."

"But Jim, I can't perform the required medical exam of the prisoner until you fill out the paperwork." Bones protested. Jim shook his head.

"Right now I only have one thing on my mind." Since it was just Bones and Scotty with them in the transporter room, Jim extended his two forefingers to his bondmate. Spock returned the Vulcan kiss, and allowed himself to gaze into his captain's eyes.

"Aww, Doctor, he can attend to the paperwork later," Scotty pleaded. "It is Valentine's Day, after all. After whet they've been through, they deserve a little time alone."

"Well… oh, alright," McCoy relented. He grumbled something about 'hobgoblin interference', but Jim just ignored it.

"Thanks, Bones!" Jim's smile grew wider.

"Ye know, Captain, I can still beam ye to Starbase 7," Scotty reminded him.

"No!" the couple exclaimed. Scotty chuckled at their reaction.

"Er thanks, but no thanks. We'd rather not take any more chances," Jim elaborated. "And if you don't mind, boys, don't contact us-"

"…unless there's an emergency," Bones and Scotty finished. Kirk looked surprised, but quickly turned his expression into a smirk.

"Boy, do I have a well trained crew or what?" With one last wink at his friends, Jim trotted after Spock down the corridor and toward the turbolift.

.~.

_Captain and Commander's quarters_

_Alone at last!_ Kirk thought as he and Spock began to unwind from their ordeal in the 21st century. It was strange, he always thought of the same-sex marriage ban as archaic. It happened so long ago! But in actuality, it was only as old to him as slavery was to people living in the 21st century. He couldn't imagine him and Spock living in a time where their love would've been seen as illegal and an abomination...

"Jim?" Spock asked, penetrating his thoughts. The captain smiled as he was brought back to the present. He had his Vulcan, they were in love, and they didn't have to hide it.

"Yes, love?" The Vulcan gazed at his bondmate across the room.

"Tell me what is bothering you."

"I'm sorry I didn't just take you to a museum like you originally suggested," Jim said in rush. Spock's captain groaned in frustration, wishing he'd never thought of the getaway weekend at the Retro Fair.

"Oh, but I am visiting a museum today," Spock purred, removing his shirt and folding it neatly.

"You are?" Jim asked, incredulous, as he removed his uniform and tossed it on his side of their room. "When?"

"I am having a private viewing of the prime exhibit," his Vulcan explained.

"Ah, I see," Jim smirked, catching on. He approached his lover with an exaggerated swagger. "Is this one of those stuffy museums with all those rules about how you can't touch anything?"

"Negative, t'hy'la. There will be a thorough tactile exploration of the exhibit," Spock promised, as his arms crept up Jim's chest.

"Oh good," Jim moaned in anticipation as Spock's fingers ghosted over his nipples. "I think I'll actually like this museum."

"If you do, we could always continue the tradition every Valentine's day," his bondmate offered. Kirk blinded him with his sunny smile. Just before their lips met, he said,

"That, Spock, is the most logical idea you've had all day."

End

A/N: Questions, comments, concerns? Was it funny?


End file.
